Doubt is sneaking in again. Enveloping me. Crowding my thoughts. Catching my breath. Disturbing my stomach causing it to jump now and then.
But…when in doubt…pray.
Travis texted me today. The news is in. The results are bad. Real bad. Trav told me his CA19-9 is now at 254,000. And then he said “I’ll see you on the other side.”
Only this time. He wasn’t joking. This time there was no smiley. This time his emotions were raw and I could tell…he is hurting.
He is doubting.
But…when in doubt…pray.
Can you blame him? Doubt is suffocating me and I am not the one dying.
There are not many other options. They will try some other chemos…but…that’s the end of any chemos that have shown to have any impact on Cholangiocarcinoma. Notice I said impact. Not cure. Nothing cures this disgusting disease. It just slows it down. Knocks it back. buys time…
And there it is again. Knocking. Nagging. Shouting. Stealing peace and comfort. Doubt.
But when in doubt….pray.
The genetic testing came back as well. Also bad. Of the million plus cancer markers (which I believe are just mutated genes) that make up Travis’ cancer, they were able to identify two. Two. Dr. Hamerick is searching the country for trials that are working on treatments for these two identified markers.
It’s doubt. Again. So it’s basically impossible. Not basically. It IS impossible. Give it up. There’s just no way. Even if he finds something, in order for Travis to be cured, all markers would have to be identified and given treatment. Which obviously isn’t happening.
But when in doubt…pray.
And so it seems we are at the end of our options. There is not much left. And so. It’s knocking. Again.
But this time.
This time. I think I’ll answer.
Forgive me for entertaining my doubt. Forgive me for forgetting that Your ways are not my own. Forgive me for rationalizing.
I humbly come before You asking…begging…for a miracle. I recognize that You and You alone can step in and choose to heal Travis. There is no doctor. No medicine. No chemo that can cure.
Please Father, please.
Please grant his children time with their father. I beg You Father to allow Jake to not only remember his father but to know his father. May Piper have the joy of her daddy walking her down the aisle. May Trey have daddy teach him to drive race-car-no-top. May Carrie know what it is like to grow old with her life long love.
Completely and totally impossible. Father.
Impossible without You.
If You choose…You can heal. And so I both humbly and boldly ask You, in the name of Jesus Christ whose blood can heal all, to physically heal Travis.
In the precious name of Jesus I pray.
The Roberts are struggling. Struggling with grief. Struggling with doubt. Just struggling. And so it is our job to step in the gap and pray for them. Even when doubt creeps into our minds. We must pray.
Send me your prayers. The Roberts are deeply hurting and even doubting. To pray as a group, to encourage Travis and Carrie, to simply beg your Heavenly Father…email me your prayers to be published on a Prayer Wall on the blog – firstname.lastname@example.org
Because…when in doubt…pray.