Conviction is a funny thing. It comes at the strangest of times in the strangest of circumstances. Despite everything going on (and, as you will learn, A LOT has been going on today) I have had a strange, quiet conviction.
It began last night as I read the post Laughter to Carrie for approval. But I ignored it…
I have a tendency to read and reread blog posts…it’s the perfectionist in me…and each time I did that still, small conviction came back.
I kept pushing it aside.
What I didn’t realize was, at the same time, Carrie was experiencing the same conviction herself. But, like me, she tried to ignore it the best she could.
The fact of the matter is the Roberts household is anything but void of laughter. There is an upside to facing the darkest moments imaginable. An upside to dealing with raw pain that sucks the life out of you.
It makes the good times that much sweeter.
Even last night, despite the circumstances and in between the tears, we laughed.
Yes. There is unimaginable pain running through the Roberts family and their joy is no longer care free. It’s so much richer. It’s deeper. They are learning to find joy in all circumstances and to find laughter in all situations. And today that was put to the test as the news only got worse.
It does not look like Travis will start a trial this week.
Another blood clot has been found in his leg. Irony at its finest. Blood thinners are a life necessity for Travis now and yet they are blocking him from his life saving trial.
There is a chance they will switch Travis back to the other trial again. But, for now, they will monitor his blood clots for a week and then they may send him home. If Traivs gets back into the original trial, they would return to DC in a couple of weeks. But at this point…who know? Things don’t change on a daily basis. They change on a minute to minute basis…
This morning, when the news broke, all I could think was, “now would be a great time to show up God.”
That’s what my flesh kept saying. My spirit knew that He is here. He is in control. He has walked them through every step of this journey and has not and will not abandon them.
But my flesh is another story… My flesh was shouting…
“WHERE ARE YOU!?!?!?! Now would be a great time to show up….”
I thought about Kimberly, Travis’ high school friend, and the message she got almost a year ago. I thought about our Black Angel. I thought about how clearly we seemed to hear God. And I just wondered to myself…
“where are You?”
To be clear…these were my thoughts. Travis and Carrie have amazing strength and faith. When asked, “do you ever wonder ‘why us‘?” Their response is simple, “why not us? What makes us so special that this should happen to someone else and not us.”
As usual, I need to take a lesson in faith from them.
Carrie text me this afternoon and told me she was having her very first “blog regret”.
Keep in mind she has been away from her sick husband for 24 hours. They have gotten the worst news since hearing the words, “You have cancer.” It’s the first appointment, discussion, treatment, etc. Carrie has not been with Travis at. The times they have shared on the phone throughout the day have been filled with raw emotion and endless tears.
The day, in short, has been overwhelming…
And yet. Despite all that. Despite what she has been dealing with. She was feeling convicted about giving the impression that joy and laughter was lacking in their lives.
And just like that…
God answered my question.
My question of “where are You”, from earlier today, was answered in a simple text from Carrie as if to say “I’m right here. I’m holding them.”
Because that kind of peace… That kind of joy… A joy that allows Carrie to look beyond her current circumstances and see the joy and laughter in their lives is only available from one Source.
Conviction has a negative connotation. It’s a word that usually reminds us of the things we have done wrong and of our failures. You can choose to ignore conviction or listen to it and learn. I am grateful Carrie decided to listen to hers. I wish I had listened to mine a bit sooner. Because when you listen and act good things usually flow from even the toughest…